


Wicked Game

by swordandcounsel



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Jedi Rey (Star Wars), Jedi Training (Star Wars), Padawan Finn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-02-24 22:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22025779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordandcounsel/pseuds/swordandcounsel
Summary: Five years after the battle of Exegol Rey and her companions are trying to build a future for the Jedi. Still struggling to deal with the death of Ben and the severing of their dyad Rey thought she may never get any relief. The force it seems has other plans.
Relationships: Finn & Ben Solo, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 20
Kudos: 204





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm pretty much only actually writing this because there are people I know who would like to read it. Otherwise, it would have lived inside of my head and I'm a huge procrastinator so it's good to have motivation. I'll be waiting a month and then changing the summery to more accurately reflect the plot.
> 
> Song of the Chapter: Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie

She couldn’t sleep. 

It was raining hard outside and while rain was usually enough to send Rey into a deep sleep that night she had tossed and turned until she eventually gave up. A storm was raging overhead. They were just heading out of the winter months on Yavin IV meaning rain was common place and Rey was stuck inside unless she planned on being soaked to the bone. That night she wandered the halls of her new home, taking in the way lightening threw shadows across the walls before thunder shook the building. 

They had been on Yavin IV a little over two years but it had taken them some time before they got there. In the aftermath of the war they had all needed a little time to right themselves and figure out what was next. Rey found herself feeling adrift in her grief, her only tether being Finn and Poe who were constant reminders that home is not a place. Despite her tethers Rey suffered more than most. It wasn’t just grief that she felt, it was a sense of ever present emptiness. There was a wound deep in her soul that seemed to never heal. A wound caused by the sacrifice Ben Solo had made to save her life. Two that were one. Bonded to the very core of their being. Half her soul had been ripped out and it had taken her five years to be able to live with it.

Sometimes it was hard to believe it had been five years since the end of the war. Five years since they lost Leia. Five years since she learned who she really was and rejected every part of it. 

There was a new republic again. She often spent time travelling to new worlds on diplomatic missions. People saw her as a peacekeeper, someone to uphold the new balance. They weren’t wrong but she wasn’t alone now either. In the wake of the war Finn had finally gotten to tell her what he’d been unable to in Pasaana. He was force sensitive. The first thing Rey did after she buried Luke and Leia’s sabers was help Finn understand what it meant to be force sensitive. She didn’t want to force him down the same path she walked, she left the path of the Jedi open to him and soon he followed.

Their journey had led them to Yavin IV. Poe’s father Kes was still living on the planet and had put them up while they got to work on setting up a new place for young force sensitives to learn. Rey wanted it to be a home. A place where lost people could find themselves. No one would be forced down the path of the Jedi. It would always be a choice. That’s how she ended up where she was, stood under an awning looking out upon the force tree that had been transplanted from Kes Dameron’s garden to the grounds of the new Academy. The tree gave her a small sense of peace but it didn’t quell the ache inside. 

Was it really possible to miss a man you barely knew? Part of her felt like she knew the very essence of Ben Solo but in reality they’d had stolen moments over a year. Moments where they had been enemies not what the force had intended for them to be. Kylo had understood the nature of their connection quicker than she had and it had fueled his hunt for her. If she had realised sooner could Leia have reached him sooner? Could she have saved him? 

The wound ached and Rey sighed, turning away from the tree and heading back inside. How many nights had she spent wandering these halls now? There were no students yet. Just her, Finn, and Poe. Rose dropped in from time to time, Chewie always visited, but things still felt incomplete. She was incomplete. 

By the time she made it back to her room, the rain was battering against the windows. It was impossibly dark, her room more shadow than light. Rey sat upon her bed for a moment trying to push past the awful feeling of incompleteness to try and sleep. Eventually she knew her fight was fruitless and lay herself down. She lay here staring at the ceiling before turning to her bedside cabinet and opening a drawer. Inside was a worn, black undershirt. Taking it out Rey slipped the shirt over her head before settling back down. The sleeves were impossibly long on her, the whole thing swallowed her completely but that was her intention. Finn and Poe didn’t know she had kept it. 

When she told them what happened in her final showdown with the Emperor she had left a few things out. Rey had told them about Ben’s bravery. She had told them how the two had fought the knights of ren and sith troopers simultaneously so their only enemy left was Palpatine. She told them how in trying to stand against the Emperor Ben had been thrown into a pit but she still felt him and his strength when she needed him. Rey had told them how she had used the Emperor's own power to kill him there for not doing as he wished. She told them how it had taken all her enemy and that she had died. Rey told them how Ben Solo has saved her, how he had brought her back and she told them how he had died and faded to be one with the force. What she didn’t tell them was the moment in between.

Rey still remembered how wide open he looked. His whole face was far softer than she had ever seen it, eyes bright and full of emotion. It had felt safe to be in his arms and Rey had allowed herself to touch his cheek, his hair. They were closer than they had ever been before and it felt right. She hadn’t known what she was doing when she kissed him. No one had ever ignited that kind of urge in her before, still she knew she needed to do it. His lips has been impossibly soft but colder than she was expecting. The smile, the small bubble of laughter, it had been a joy to see Ben Solo fully realised. For a split second Rey had imagined a future, a future with Ben. 

The Universe was known for being cruel.

What she felt now wasn’t the same kind of grief she had felt in the early days post war. She had been so crippled by it Finn had thought there was some injury they had missed. She had spent days curled up in a medbay bed while medi droids and medics found themselves unable to find the cause of her pain. In the end they figured that her pain was psychosomatic and as long as she carried around the mental strain of what happened, it wouldn’t go away.  
The grief ebbed but her soul never healed.

The undershirt had long since lost any scent that might have resembled Ben Solo. She had worn it for months on end and eventually washed it when the only scent on it was her. Still it was a comfort, the closest she could get to him now that he was one with the force and she still had to live on. 

Slowly sleep called to her, pulling her deeper into the quiet dark of unconsciousness. She barely noticed the sound of thunder becoming muffled. Rey felt a tug in her chest and though half asleep eyes glanced down at the end of her bed just in time to see a pale figure step out of the dark. 

It all happened in a matter of seconds. The bond flared to life and she gasped, sitting up in bed in shock as she stared at the figure. He looked soaked. Hair flat against his head, pale chest wet with water actively running down. Lightning flashed and he was gone prompting her to get out of her bed. A nightmare. It had to have been. Thunder boomed and she tried to calm herself down.

“Rey!”

Finn’s voice screamed through the darkness and Rey bolted out of her room and towards where she had heard him. 

She found both Finn and Poe stood outside in the rain staring in the direction of the force tree. 

“Guys?”

Rey moved around them to see what had caught their attention and there he was. The pale figure, stood just feet from the tree. He locked eyes with her and Rey stilled. This couldn’t be real. She barely had time to process what was happening when the pale figure collapsed to the ground unconscious. Rey didn’t even think before she ran to his side, pushing him onto his back.

“...Ben?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In light of recent comments made by a Star Wars actor I'd like to remind people that actors are not their characters and vice versa so I will not be making any changes to the inclusion of certain characters in this story.

“We’re all seeing this, right?” Finn stepped back between Poe and Rey as the three of them watched their sleeping guest.

“Pretty sure we’re all clear on that, Finn. Not like we hauled his heavy and very naked ass into the temple or anything.” Poe quipped as he moved a little closer. “Never thought I’d live to see a day where I could honestly say I’ve seen Kylo Ren naked.”

“Ben.” Rey corrected, staying in the doorway of the room. “His name is Ben.”

Poe nodded. “Right. Sorry. You’d think I’d be better with that given our history…”

Rey and Finn both looked away from Ben’s sleeping form to look questioningly at Poe.

“History?” Rey asked.

“More secrets, Poe?” Finn questioned, his tone a little hurt.

“No. Not secrets. I mean… I didn’t exactly go around advertising that I knew Kylo Ren and Ben Solo were the same person but I knew. It hurt Leia so I never brought up the past. It was better if people didn’t know at the time. It was hard enough trying to get people on side. After the whole Vader thing if people knew about Kylo Ren it would have been devastating to the cause.” He sighed heavily and looked down at Ben. “We were… I don’t know. I guess we were friends. Not close. My parents fought alongside Han and Leia during the old wars.”

That made sense at least. Rey had always wondered how Poe got mixed up with the resistance, especially after learning about Kijimie. Rebellion ran in his blood.

“I’m a few years older than him but we were around each other. I saw him pretty frequently until the age of ten then he went off to train with Luke. I think I saw him a couple of times after that. You could see it, you know? The strain he was under. I didn’t know what it was at the time. Took me a while to realise the dark was something that actively needed to be fought against.”

They were all on a better level of understanding these days but Rey knew it was harder for Poe to connect with her and Finn on certain things. He trusted them though and that was all that mattered.

“Are we sure it’s him?” Finn asked, also moving so he could scrutinise the sleeping form. “I mean, just because it looks like him doesn’t mean it actually is him. Right? He could wake up and try to kill us.”

Rey shook her head. Even with him sleeping she knew it was Ben. The wound was healing. The emptiness had been filled. The other half of the bond was alive and that was proof enough that somehow, beyond all reasoning, Ben Solo lived.

“It’s him.” She answered quietly, still watching from the doorway. “I can feel it.”

“So what do we think happened?" Poe wondered as he started to pace a little. "Sith power? Palpatine did it, right? He came back. This has to be something he's picked up? Used as a last ditch attempt at getting back even if he had swapped sides in the end." The theory made sense but it left Rey feeling uncomfortable. No. Ben wouldn't do that. He was against the Emperor from the beginning, like she was. "Or are we thinking something else?"

Rey closed her eyes to try and think. There has to be reasoning for this. He couldn't just appear without explanation and she refused to believe the means in which he had returned had anything to do with the Sith. Something in her mind was telling her there was an explanation and she had the answer somewhere. Without explaining she left the room and wandered down the hall to her own. Moving made her cold again. She was still damp not thinking to change out of what she had been wearing. The sleeves of the undershirt stuck to her arms as she rummaged through her books to pick the right one. It had to be here somewhere.

A glance at a word and she paused, setting the book open as she read through. The passage on Exegol. Her fingers brushed against the aged pages gently as she read the translation. A world between worlds. She had read that phrasing before. Grabbing her data pad she scanned through the journals of past Jedi she had been able to collect. The one she had been looking for was by a Jedi who went by the name of Ezra Bridger. He stated that a world between worlds existed outside of space and time and there for was not limited in the same way when it came to life and death. All times existed at once there and could be accessed by portals.

Rey sat down on the floor of her room. What if that's what happened. Ben slipped into a nether place when he was close to death and came out the other side because there was a large collection of force energy because of the tree. It was a theory. She was still so in the dark about what the force was capable of. Was she insane for believing in it? She carried the book and the data pad back to "Ben's Room" with her.

"I might have a theory." She explained as she walked back in, ignoring the concern written all over her friends faces. "I remember reading that Exegol wasn't a normal planet I just couldn't remember what the book had said." She held it out for Finn to take. "Exegol is a world between worlds. It's connected to a netherworld of some kind. Or it's potentially connected to this place. It's highly possible Bens... essence, what was left anyway, it got stuck. He wasn't able to become one with the force like Leia, like Luke. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so... lost."

Finn looked over the book a small crease in his brow. "So not to over complicate it but... his soul has been stuck in a between place and now it's out again?" He glanced up at Rey for confirmation before handing the book back. "Well, I guess that might explain why he's here at least, as complicated as that all sounds. Do we have a plan for what we're doing next? I mean we're assuming we're dealing with Ben Solo here but what if there is a chance we're not."

"You mean what if Kylo Ren is the one who wakes up?" Poe asked.

"Yeah."

"Why would that happen? Ben's soul was pure light last time I felt him. There are no outside influences now. It should be Ben that wakes up and when he does he has a place here. He's had more training than either of us Finn, he could really help us set this place up right." Rey moved to sit down on the end of the bed, picking at the wet shirt she was in. "I know there's a risk this is going to blow up like everything else but I have to assume, I have to hope that the universe would give us something for once instead of just taking."

* * *

Ben didn't wake up after one night like they expected him too. In fact three days later he was still sleeping soundly, chest slowly rising and falling. Rey had barely left the room, choosing to sleep on the floor near the bed, and only leaving to eat or bathe. Poe and Finn dropped by periodically to see if anything had happened but mostly left her alone. They had their own things to do than babysit an unconscious former enemy. 

"The more I read about your family the more I think the force has a sense of humour." Rey curled up in a chair next to the bed. "I can see you on these pages. Reading about the man your grandfather was, his personality, his strength. There are echoes of you stretching as far back as his early years. Little moments that have shone through in you now. It trickles down into your mother and then to you. Though I say this but you might not be like that when you wake up. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Ben Solo. He didn't show his face very often. He's cocky, i'll give him that."

"Who's cocky?"

The voice was raspy and Rey almost threw her data pad in surprise as she realised Ben was awake and he had spoken. 

"Stars, Ben you're awake." Rey almost fell over herself as she climbed out of the chair to stand at his side. 

"Where am I?" He asked, his voice quiet and confused. Tired eyes glanced around the room as a frown painted itself on his face. 

"Yavin IV. We built a school, an academy. It's... we don't have any students yet but I also don't like the idea of taking children from their parents so... it's a work in progress. How are you fe-" Her rambling was cut short when he spoke again, reminding her once more that the universe was a cruel place.

"Who's Ben? Who are you?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been telling this story mostly from Rey's POV because that's what the fic called for but there's a small POV switch at the end of the chapter and incoming chapters POV switches will happen more often as things get more intense in the plot.

He didn't remember anything.

Ben didn't remember her, he didn't remember his parents, he didn't remember being Kylo Ren.

He didn't remember being Ben Solo.

For the most part, Rey was taking it pretty well, she hadn't cried yet but she was certain it would happen eventually. That's what she got for getting her hopes up. She thought he'd come back to her. He'd come back but he wasn't in any form she could recognise other than his physical one. It felt wrong to mourn the loss of him again. He was right there in front of her, how could she mourn him when he was alive and well? How selfish was she that this wasn't good enough.

After telling Ben his name, where he was, and that he was safe and among friends, she had left him in the care of Poe and Finn. They'd brought in some clothes for him a couple of days ago and she didn't need to be there while he changed. She ended up outside staring at the force tree again. Why would the force do this to her? Had she not given it what it wanted? Balance? Why give her a Ben who wasn't the Ben she knew?

"I've disappointed you in some way."

She jumped up, turning around to see Ben stood in the arch leading into the building. Her heart ached a little seeing him stood there. It all got a little more real and a little more disappointing. It was good to see him out of the bed though.

"I-No... We weren't expecting you to wake up without your memory. It's just a shock. You haven't done anything wrong. I promise." She wanted to scold herself for making him feel anything other than completely accepted. Having him here filled a hole in her life still. He might not have the memories or experiences of the man she knew but he was still connected to her.

"I wish I could offer you some kind of explanation but the earliest thing I remember is... you." Ben moved away from the archway and moved down the steps towards the tree. "I was stood right here and it was raining. I was cold and wet but the ground beneath my feet was hot." He looked down noticing a small burn pattern in the grass. "And I saw you. Lying in a bed in the middle of a storm. Untouched by what was going on around you. You saw me and something just... fit together."

He had described perfectly what had happened with her the night she had found him. It must have been confusing, not knowing who she was but feeling that tether. She stared at him for a moment taking in how he looked if there was any noticeable difference. She had seen one when he had shown up at Exegol. The physical difference between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren had stolen her breath for a moment. Looking at him now you'd think it was Ben. His hair was still wavy and full, his face free of conflict and pain. His hair was lighter she noticed. In the dark blue tones of Exegol, she hadn't been able to notice but his hair was brown. Rey had always assumed his hair was black.

His eyes looked like Ben's. Soulful, open, and warm. They looked like his mother's eyes. Rey spent so long staring at his face she managed to surprise herself when she noticed what he was wearing. Colour. He was wearing colour.

"You're staring..." Ben commented making Rey blush.

"Sorry. I... I've never seen you wear anything that wasn't black. Dark blue suits you. It's a good choice." Her cheeks felt hot but the feeling of warmth settled in her chest when she saw the small smile on his lips. Soft and easily given. Rey prefered it when he smiled. His whole face changed.

"Your friends. Uh... Finn and Poe? They had a whole bunch of stuff for me to choose from. They said something similar so I'm starting to think I might not have been very imaginative. At least in the clothing department." He smiled again and Rey found herself smiling along. Maybe this wasn't a cruel joke after all. Maybe what the universe, the force, whoever it was, maybe what they were showing her was who Ben should have been before he had his path chosen for him.

* * *

Ben had been awake for a week when he stumbled upon Rey and Finn during one of their lessons. She was adjusting Finn's form when she saw Ben paused in the doorway. Rey had wondered how long it would take before the force called to him again. They hadn't connected through the force since the first day but he was still there, still strong and vibrant in the light. She was distracted by his presence that in taking a step towards him almost ended with her getting her hair singed off as Finn stepped into the next position.

"Kriff! Rey, I'm so sorry, you moved last second. Are you okay? Did I get you?" Finn deactivated the training saber just as Ben stepped up them, a look of concern on his face.

"I'm fine. I'm okay. I promise. I was just... distracted." Rey blushed as Ben seemed to check her over a second time. "Besides, it was just a training saber. I would have only gotten a burn at most." She brushed away the concern the two men were showing. "Anyway, Ben. Did you need something?"

The question seemed to catch him off guard like he wasn't overly sure why he was there. "Uh... Well, I..."

"You wanna join? We have spare training sabers." Surprisingly it was Finn who offered, holding out the hilt to the saber he'd had in his hand. Rey felt a sense of relief at the exchange. She had been worried that old dynamics would ruin any growth Ben would have now that he was back. Seeing Finn be friendly and welcoming to him warmed her heart. "I gotta warn you though. I had many years of training as a stormtrooper before I even picked up a saber. I could kick your ass."

There was that smile again. Seeing Ben smile so easily reminded Rey that this was a gift. Having Ben here in any form was a gift.

He took the saber and Rey watched with mild curiosity if he would remember how to use one. He switched the hilt from hand to hand as if deciding which it felt more comfortable in. Rey didn't know if it was a good idea to have Finn go up against Ben in a duel but neither man seemed to have a problem with it. Finn seemed to think that he had a chance at winning now that Ben was without any memory of his years of training. Rey wasn't so sure.

She could see it the moment he chose a hand. There was something instinctual coming through. He rolled his shoulders back, saber in a relaxed grip in his hand. Rey was suddenly taken back to that night on Exegol. There was the slightest smirk playing on Ben's lips and Rey felt a shift in the bond. Comfort, familiarity. Giving Ben a saber had triggered something. The blade ignited and he waited for Finn to be ready. She had seen this fight play out before but now with these circumstances. Last time Kylo had won because of his ferocity and ability to strike to kill. Finn was different now. He trusted his instincts.

"First to three hits or a yield. No force abilities." She warned them as they faced each other. "Duelers ready?" Rey looked to them both waiting for a nod. "On my mark. Get set. Duel!"

Admittedly she flinched the first time the lightsabers made contact but Rey forced herself to watch. Ben moved like he knew what he was doing. Every movement was practised, relaxed, and controlled. Fascinated by Ben she almost forgot to check how Finn was doing.

He was laughing?

The two of them looked like they were having fun. Ben was quite clearly more experienced with the blade and the force and whatever was left of his memory was bleeding through and allowing him access to his skills. The way he moved, anticipating Finn's steps, moving a second or two before Finn would even make a swing. Still, they were testing each other. Rey could see Finn calculating what move to make next to try and keep Ben on his toes.

It all seemed to be going well and Rey let herself simply enjoy watching the two until Finn pulled a moved he'd learned from Rey. The blades skidded down against each other and Finn pushed forward. Rey had used the move against Kylo but Kylo's saber had a crossguard, Ben's practice saber did not. There was the sizzle of blade meeting skin and Ben dropped his saber, crying out in pain.

"Ben!" Rey ran forward, panicked at the thought of him being hurt. Finn was already apologising profusely clearly surprised he'd been able to hurt Ben at all never bad enough he'd drop his weapon. "Let me see," Rey demanded as she moved between the two men.

"I'm fine I just... I could have sworn..." He seemed a little dazed and not because of the burn. Rey ended up holding onto him as she moved him to lean against the wall. He slid down once there and suddenly concern over a burn morphed into fear.

"Kriff, do you want me to get Poe? Get Ben back to his room?" Finn asked as Rey tried to figure out what was going on. The bond shuddered. Something had happened but she couldn't figure out what. Not yet at least.

"No." Rey shook her head. "No, just... Put the lightsabers away. Run the training course without the droid, finish with meditation. I'll take care of this." She needed a moment alone with Ben. She needed to get into his head and to do that she needed to explain the dyad to him. It was personal and intimate. Talking about it around Finn would have felt too exposing.

Once Finn was gone Rey took Ben's hand in hers and focused. She had healed him before so it was easier to find him and feed him that small amount of Force energy needed to fix the burn. It didn't seem to fix the dazed and confused look in his eyes though.

"Ben, do you remember your first night here? You told me you saw me lying in bed in the middle of a storm." She sat herself down properly, keeping his hand in hers. "You know we explained that you lost your memory of us but there's a lot to the story you don't know. I can't tell you everything because I want you to actually remember instead of just remembering being told about things. Regardless, there's something we need to talk about. You and I, we're connected. Do you know what the force is?"

Ben squeezed his eyes shut before leaning his head back against the wall. "Yeah." He mumbled. "I know what it is. I don't know how but I do. Slowly pieces of information keep slipping through."

"Good." Rey said quietly. "I need to talk to you about something called a dyad. It's... a unique bond formed in the force between people who are meant to balance each other. We make each other stronger. We can see each other even when we're not in the same room. We can touch across vast distances. We can dip easily into each other's minds. I need to do that now. I felt something shift. I know it's disorientating you. I want to help."

He opened his eyes to look at her, seemingly deciding if he believed her or not. Eventually, he gave her a small nod. "I've felt it." He whispered. "I wasn't sure what it was at first. I know I've only really been awake a week now but I trust you. I don't know why but I do. So... whatever you need to do. Do it."

Rey nodded and reached out with both of her hands and gently cupped his face. Closing her eyes, Rey centred her breathing and slowly reaching out to brush her mind against his. Everything seemed fine at first. There was a quietness she wasn't used to hearing. Pushing deeper she felt Ben take hold of her arm but he didn't push her away. There was something just out of reach, something dark. Rey shifted to get comfortable as she did her best to find the dark thing swimming around the fog that was Ben's mind now. She leaned in, wrapping herself around it the best that she could and yanked, hard. The shadow dissipated and Ben seemed to relax, a breath of relief brushing over Rey's cheek.

As her senses came back to her she realised she had moved. Rey was still gently holding Ben's face in her hands but her forehead was pressed against his. Her eyes fluttered open and she pulled back just enough so she could look at him. His arms were around her and she realised they had gravitated towards each other. Ben's eyes opened and for a second Rey considered repeating what she did on Exegol but even if he looked like Ben he didn't have that memory. The last thing she needed was to try and force something that wasn't there anymore.

"Better?" She whispered.

"Yeah."

* * *

Later that night Ben retired to his room in deep thought. The last week had been intense. Waking up and having to rebuild your own life was one thing but have an inexplicable pull towards a woman he couldn't remember just made it hard. She was beautiful and kinda dangerous which made his heart beat faster in a good way. Learning they were connected, that the strange sensation he'd been feeling had a name, there was relief. She had even healed him and helped right his mind when his eyes had failed him. He had been too cocky during the duel, lost sight of strategy. He'd seem a crossguard that wasn't there and ultimately it lead to his injury. 

Sighing heavily he lay himself down. That didn't matter now. Whatever had been lingering in his mind was gone, Rey had seen to that. 

"Or did she?" A mechanical voice asked from the shadows.

Ben bolted up in bed, fear spiking as he watched a tall, masked figure step out of the darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work got the better of me for a few days and so did a few low mood days. Anyway! Here's chapter four. 
> 
> This chapters musical inspiration was Arsonist's Lullaby by Hozier

It took Ben seconds to realise the figure in the mask was either a ghost or a hallucination. He'd panicked and pulled on the force not knowing what it would do and as a result, tore apart the shelving unit that had been attached to the wall. The pieces fell through the figure as if they were a hologram. He knew it couldn't physically hurt him and yet he was terrified. Ben could have sworn his heart stopped when the monster pulled out a lightsaber and ignited a red jagged blade. He couldn't even dwell on the knowledge he had seen that hilt before as his waking nightmare lunged at him just as the door to his bedroom opened up and Rey ran inside.

The figure disappeared the moment it made contact with her like she was some kind of safeguard against all things dark and terrible. He must have looked a state because she moved towards him without hesitation, sitting upon his bed. She was talking but he couldn't hear her. His heart was pounding in his ears and he was still shaking. Why was he so scared of that figure in a mask? Ben had concluded whatever it was came from his past and his mind was trying to process surfacing memories in whatever way it could. Still, the instant fear was surprising.

He didn't sleep that night. Even with Rey staying till he calmed down he couldn't sleep. Ben started to think sleep was something that never came easy to him in the life he didn't remember. The week he'd had already of easy rest was out of the norm.

The next time he saw the spectre he was standing in an archway, watching Rey and Poe tune up an old generator. It had been a few days since his night time visit and Ben had begun to question if he'd just been having a nightmare. That's what it had felt like. In the days since he'd withdrawn into himself. He was starting to look tired because he was struggling to sleep now and though she seemed keen to offer it he avoided Rey and her attempts at comfort. 

He felt the presence before he saw it, a cold feeling creeping up his spine.

"You're fascinated by her." Ben flinched when he first heard the voice, turning his head as the hooded and masked figure stepped into view.

"As you should be. She was never meant for you though. Rey, in all her power, was made for only one person. Me. As I was made for her." The tone was almost gentle but the modulated voice still made the words rest uneasily upon Ben. This nightmare knew who Rey was, even worse it seemed to act as if it knew more about her than he did.

"I hope you know no one is actually into the possessive type. Plus I'm pretty sure you're the last person Rey would want." Ben commented before turning from the sight and trying to walk away from his shadow. He headed down the hallway not sure where he was heading but he wanted whatever mutated nightmare that was following him around to stop talking about Rey.

"Are you? Sure? You don't remember much in regards to her. I know everything." They were almost smug in tone, mocking him and his lack of memory. 

"I'm insane. Clearly. There is something wrong with my head that the medical droids missed. You're a figment of my imagination." He said to himself as he walked even though he could hear the swish of fabric against the floor and he knew the ghost followed him.

"I'm more real than you are. Half-awake in a body you don't remember. You're stumbling through the dark looking for answers that aren't coming. I can give you what you want." It was almost tempting but it sounded too good to be true like he would have to give up too much. 

"Sorry. I don't trust hallucinations. Just as a general rule." He quipped as he turned another corner trying to lose the shadow on his tail.

"I know her story from start to finish. The little girl abandoned on Jakku. Left to fend for herself she survived despite the odds. Of course, when she met the traitor she triggered events that awoke her abilities-"

"Stop!" Ben's voice echoed through the hallway.

"Ben?"

He turned and saw Finn poking his head out of the kitchen. Ben looked back but his shadow was gone.

"Are you okay?" Finn stepped out into the hallway, wiping his hands on a cloth as he did so.

"I uh... Yeah, I'm just..." He didn't want to lie. Ben didn't want to start what he knew for certain was a new friendship with a lie. "My head is kinda loud these days and I can't always make sense of it." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't an admittance that he was seeing things either.

"Hey, I get it. Well, I don't because I didn't lose a whole lifetime worth of memories but I do know what it's like to doubt everything you know." He gave Ben a sympathetic smile before motioning for Ben to follow him through to the kitchen.

He hadn't been in there since he had woken up at the temple. His meals had either been brought to him in his room or the four of them congregated somewhere and ate there. It was a big room, clearly built with the idea of feeding more than four people at one time but it didn't feel empty. Finn was clearly in the middle of cooking something up for supper and Ben had a curious look at the pots before sitting himself down on a stool.

"You wanna talk about it?" Finn asked as he returned to preparation. "Back when I first became friends with Rey and Poe I struggled a lot. Sleeping was hard, thinking was hard. I kept waiting for someone to call me out like I was being a human wrong. Starting from scratch, it's not easy. Our situations are different but I understand some of those emotions.

Finn had been the most patient with Ben other than Rey. Ben couldn't help but feel like he didn't deserve it. Something told him Finn was being kinder than anyone would have expected. Maybe it was the way Poe gave Ben cold looks and a wide birth whenever he was around. Even the colourful little BB unit avoided him. Finn was kind. He asked him how he was and genuinely seemed to care about the answer. Ben was starting to wonder if Finn could see something in him that he could not. Perhaps whatever it was had something to do with Finn's history too.

"Nightmares. Shadows." He answered as he glanced towards the doorway to check the figure wasn't back. "Nothing that makes real sense. I wish I could come up with something real. Every time I don't quite answer the way Rey expects me to I see the disappointment in her eyes." He hunched over a little, a frown settling on his brow.

"Try to focus on what you do remember. It's important to stay positive. I know you've been making improvements. That's where you need to keep your focus or you'll slip. When you feel like you don't have roots it's easy to lose your grip. You're aware of your abilities now, your skill with a lightsaber. I'm surprised you haven't joined Rey and me for our lessons." His advice seemed so simple and yet somehow Ben had been too caught up in what he didn't understand to take inventory of what he did know.

"My name is Ben Solo. I am physically thirty years old but if we're going by my birth year I'm thirty-five. There was a five year... discrepancy in my timeline." He paused, looking up at Finn to see if this is what the other man had meant and with an encouraging nod from him Ben continued. "I am force-sensitive, like my mother before me. I'm skilled in hand to hand combat and the use of a lightsaber. Rey and I... we share some kind of connection. Something that exists within the force. She called it a Dyad. I felt it almost instantly but didn't know what it was and I still wouldn't be able to fully explain it." He hesitated. The shadow had given him information. He'd said Rey was from Jakku, that she had been abandoned on Jakku. Was that real or something his broken mind had put together.

"I know she was abandoned on Jakku as a child."

Finn seemed to freeze, his stirring suddenly stopping as he heard Ben speak. "You never told us you remembered that."

So it was true.

If it was true then this shadow was someone from his past. His darkest memories taking a form of something he didn't remember. Did this count as remembering? Rey was always so careful with what she told him, too scared that he wouldn't remember on his own only what she had told him. He understood that his mind needed to heal on its own but he longed to not feel so lost.

"It came to me this evening while I was watching Rey and Poe." He admitted. It wasn't technically a lie. It had. He just wasn't telling Finn that a tall masked figure had fed him the information while practically warning him off Rey.

Finn eyed him and for a second Ben wondered if he would outright call him a liar. Instead, he nodded in understanding and went back to the meal preparation. "Grab the bowls, we'll take this out to them."

* * *

He couldn't sleep. Every time he did his dreams were consumed with fire and screams and a red blade. Nothing made sense, there were no clear images for him to cling to. Instead of wasting the rest of his night tossing and turning Ben got up from his bed and wandered out of his room. He moved down the hall with silent steps, slowly wandering with no real destination in mind. Eventually, he came to a stop just inside one of the meditation rooms. There were two cushions set up on the floor which he assumed were for Rey and Finn. Walking over Ben sat himself down on one of them and crossed his legs, his eyes falling shut soon after.

Clarity had to come from somewhere. Would this help? Ben tried to keep his mind clear and his breathing even but he couldn't relax, he couldn't get comfortable. He was just about to give up when the sound of a lightsaber igniting snapped him out of his attempt at meditation. The room was filled with a red glow as Ben scrambled to his feet. 

The shadow was back. 

"What do you want?" Ben snapped, getting a little sick of these visits. 

"Everything. Your life. Rey. The galaxy." The nightmare stood impossibly still to the point that if it wasn't for the glowing red blade Ben would have lost sight of him in the darkness. "You used what I told you. You realised what I said was true." There was almost a hint of amusement in his voice. 

"Don't assume this means I'm going to start coming to you for more information about her. I'd rather never get my memory back than use what you give me. I don't know what game you're trying to play but I won't be part of it. Leave Rey and Finn out of this. I don't need your help." Ben replied doing his best to stand up for himself. 

"On the contrary. You're already using my information." If it wasn't for the mask Ben was sure he'd see the nightmare grin.

"What are you talking about?" Ben put some distance between him and his shadow. 

"I never said who the traitor was."

Ben stopped. No. He had, Ben was sure of it. Wracking his brain ben realised this ghost had triggered a memory. "Finn was a Stormtrooper..."

"FN-2187."

There was a flash of something. The image of Finn stood in full armour, staring in his direction. Ben felt his own curiosity and then it disappeared. It was the first time he'd been able to piece together a memory. He had no recollection of anything before or after that moment but it was real at least. His waking nightmare was waiting patiently as if to hear him admit he was wrong but Ben was stubborn. He wouldn't give this thing the satisfaction. 

"I'm going to get rid of you." Ben threatened. "I don't care what you are. You're getting in the way. I can't sleep properly with you here. I keep hearing things. Leave me alone. I want you gone. I'll burn you from existence if I have to."

The shadow simply cocked its head. "You don't have the power to do that. You're weak and foolish. Only one of us can exist." It walked closer, stopping just inches from him. "A sith temple will have the answers you're looking for. If you want to kill me, face me there then we'll see if you're strong enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 coming soon: Rey has a dream


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Decided to explore a little pining Rey. 
> 
> Song of the chapter: Island by Svrcina

_"Of all the places, you picked here?"_

_Rey turned her head and watched as Ben sat down next to her. "Would you have prefered I chose Star Killer base? Exegol? Batu? You and I connected more in the force than we were ever physically in the same place. Takodana is where we met. It's where I had my first force vision. Plus... look at this place." She motioned to the glistening waters they were sat on the edge of. "Before I saw this place I'd never seen so much green."_

_"There are a thousand planets like this I'd love to show you." Ben mused as he watched her instead of the scenery around them. "There are so many different kinds of worlds. We should see the temple ruins on Coruscant. The whole planet is a city too. The beaches of Scarif. There's some early death star burning still but the planet is slowly healing. Go and visit the old rebel base on Yavin IV, we're close already..."_

_There was excitement in his voice and Rey turned his head to see he'd been looking at her the whole time too. This was what she had wanted after Exegol. Peace, wonder, excitement for the future. Ben Solo sat next to her with a smile on his face and it made her heartache._

_"I miss you." She whispered. "I know that seems so weird to say, we barely knew each other but at the same time... it's like no one knew me better." And just like that, the pretence that this was reality was gone._

_"I'm right here." He replied, reaching out and taking her hand._

_Rey shook her head. "But you're not. The man walking around the academy isn't you. There are moments when I think it might be but then he looks so lost and confused and I can't give him the answers he wants." Her hand closed around his and she pulled them both into her lap._

_"Of course he's not going to feel like me. He doesn't remember who his parents are or that he wanted to be a pilot. He doesn't remember who Kylo Ren is or why our saber was the way it was. He hasn't gone through the trauma of never being able to sleep the whole night because of nightmares. He wasn't manipulated and abused by an unseen force his entire childhood." He sighed and shifted so he could face her properly. "Ben Solo as I was when I died was... a scrambled together mismatch of a little boy, a vengeful killer, and my parents. Because the dark had left me I didn't have Kylo Ren's impulses and desires anymore but I had his memories and for the first time in years I was feeling things other than rage and pain but I wasn't fully realised yet."_

_He took her other hand and stroked his thumbs over her knuckles gently. "You need to let go of whatever idea of Ben Solo you had. I'm here, I'm still here but I need time to relearn who I am and heal. It's going to hurt. I'm not always going to react the way you want me to. Eventually, our shared history will come back. Be patient."_

_It was hard to hear. She had this image of Ben in her head, the gallant hero that sacrificed himself for her. The Ben in her waking hours was quiet, liked to be alone, talked to Finn more than he talked to her. He avoided training, he avoided her. All the little things she had hoped for with Ben were just fantasy. No perfect sparring partner, no perfect confidant. He was a man who didn't trust his own body let alone the people who were around him._

_"Is this even real? Are you real or are you just my mind using logic to tell me how stupid I'm being?" Rey knew what she wanted to hear but the alternative was devastating. This wasn't the first time Ben had been in her dreams since he'd come back from the dead. Every time he was there he remembered her but then she would wake up and he would look at her like she was a stranger._

_"I'm right here, Rey." It didn't quite answer her question but when were things ever that simple._

She blinked her eyes open, the dark ceiling of her bedroom coming into view. A shadow caught her eyes and Rey looked to the side and realised Ben lay sleeping on the other side of her bed. She didn't dare move. The bond hadn't connected them since the night he reappeared and now he was here in his most vulnerable moment. He looked tired and even though they hadn't talked about it she knew he had been having trouble sleeping.

Rey turned towards him, desperate to reach out and touch him. Instead, she closed her eyes and concentrated on breaking the connection. When she opened her eyes again he was gone. As much as she would have liked to lie there with him she needed him to come to her of his own free will not because of some cosmic entity. She wasn't the person he reached for automatically yet.

Her question still hadn't been answered. She wasn't sure if her dreams were just her subconscious or if they were him reassuring her he was just beneath the surface.

* * *

Even with Ben's distance Rey was still determined to have him train with her. The longer he was with the more likely it was that his abilities would crop up from time to time. The last thing they needed was his fear coming back and the force tearing down a wall this time. She had asked Poe and Finn to leave them alone for a few days so there would be a chance for her to try to connect with Ben. The bond was still there. It demanded to be paid attention to. There was no wonder that it brought him to her at night.

Rey had asked Ben to join her in one of the training rooms and she had to force herself to not physically react when he looked reluctant. It was painful to have nothing between them. They weren't enemies, they weren't friends, they weren't on their way to something. 

"I just wanted to spend some time together training. I can't imagine being idle is helping you and you were avoiding my sessions with Finn. This way we can work at your pace. Have you remembered anything since? Or has everything stopped?" Maybe she shouldn't' have asked by she was curious about his progress. She wanted to know him. If she was supposed to let her idea of Ben go then surely she should get to know the Ben who currently existed in her life. 

"Little things." He replied quietly as he grabbed a training saber and turned it on. Rey watched him similarly twirl the blade to how she had seen him do on Starkiller. He paced the room, clearly anxious for some reason. 

Her intention had never been to go straight into a fight. She wanted to sit down, talk, meditate, allow him to relax. She could sense through the bond that wasn't going to happen. He was wound up for some reason and for a second she wanted to shout at him. Why wouldn't he talk to her? 

Deciding the only way they were going to connect was through sparing she picked up her own practice saber.

"You've been avoiding me." She stated as she turned on the practice saber.

"Have I?" The tone he used was likely one to try and implant some doubt in her but Rey held firm.

"The day you woke up, the first thing you did once you were on your feet was come to find me. You didn't even know who I was then. After that, you were always close by. Something changed. You were seemingly eager to join in training and then the next day you only came out of your room when you wanted to eat." She tried not to sound hurt but she was. It should have been the easiest thing in the world for her to connect with him. 

He gave her no reply. The only sound was the hum of the sabers. Rey had to wonder if she had done something to make him want to avoid her. All she remembered was that was the day she had healed his burn and the bond had pulled tight around them. 

"Was it the bond?"

Ben turned to look at her when she asked and for a moment Rey wasn't sure if it was Ben. Something about the way he held his face had a look closer to Kylo than Ben. She knew the difference. She had seen the difference. Did their early worries hold any weight? Could the man who stood in front of her be heading toward the dark again? 

The moment passed and his face softened. He twirled his saber again as he took a second to think. 

"I shouldn't have asked." Rey started. 

"No," Ben replied, taking a step towards Rey. "You've done nothing wrong."

"Clearly I have." She snapped, her frustration with the situation getting the better of her. 

His jaw tensed, his hand tightening around the hilt. He was disappointing her and it felt like a familiar feeling. Disappointment seemed to be a common sensation these days. "You look at me with too much expectation!" He argued back. "I'm important to you. I realise that. The trouble is, I can't be what you want me to be. I don't remember who that is. I can feel... something. That just makes it harder to be around you. When my whole body is telling me you mean something to me but I don't remember what? It's... almost painful." 

Rey almost walked out. She was trying so hard to remember the advice she had gotten from Ben if it was Ben in her dream. This was worse than just being nothing. She was causing him pain by just existing near him. Both of them were frustrated and angry and had nowhere to put it.

"Raise your saber." She whispered her eyes not quite meeting his. 

"I'm not fighting you." He replied, his voice still full of frustration. 

"Yes, you are. We're both angry, hurt, confused. I can't have you avoiding me. So work out your frustration. I can handle you at your words I think I can handle you when you don't remember half-"

Rey barely had time to react as Ben started towards her, the two blades clashing. It was what she had wanted, what they both needed, still it came as a surprise at how easily he'd been able to attack her. Rey pushed him back and that's when the real fight began. She had been a Jedi for six years at that point and while Ben still had far more experience he was also missing his memories. Instinct would only get him so far as she had seen when he went up against Finn.

He was just as brutal as he always had been. Every time their lightsabers connected the sheer force of the move would rattle her bones. Rey could feel the bond stretching like it had been hibernating while the two of them struggled to find common ground. Ben's mind may be missing most of his life but his body remembered. After being unchallenged for years she struggled to keep up with him but it was also exhilarating. How many times had they crossed lightsabers before and how many times had it made her heart race like this?

She wished it wasn't always her to falter when she looked at him. Rey wished for once she could be the one to stagger him. That he would look and remember and do something wrong. He never remembered what she wanted him to though and it was always her who slipped up. He footing slipped and he was able to force her back but the ease of the motion had them both stumbling, falling. Rey's back hit the wall and her saber clattered out of her hand when the weight of Ben's body hit her. 

She had wanted closeness. Here it was. 

Rey expected him to storm away, to put distance between them. They had fought both verbally and physically and as far as she was aware he didn't want her close to him. He didn't move away though. Ben stared down at her, chest heaving, hair wild, eyes confused and frustrated. What did he remember that he wasn't telling her? Did he only remember their fighting? Did he assume they were still enemies? With him standing there so close to her she wished she had the strength to kiss him but she didn't and it wouldn't be fair. 

He wasn't truly Ben yet. He didn't look at her the right way. Even when Ben was Kylo there was always the hint of a look in his eyes that said he cared more than he wanted to. The man staring down at her didn't have that, not really. No amount of pushing him was going to change that and she had to let the idea of him go.

Suddenly his face changed. He no longer looked frustrated and confused. Instead, he looked at her with curiosity and pity. Rey realised too late the tears that were in her eyes, one making its way down her cheek. She had to let him go. 

Pushing him back he moved without resistance or hesitation. Rey wiped the tear from her face and moved away from him. She didn't stop to pick up the lightsaber she had dropped nor did she turn back to look at him. Her heart was breaking again, her hipe diminished for a second time.

He called her name as she left him there but Rey couldn't bring herself to stop and look back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Chewie arrive with news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the major delay with this one guys. Obviously I think everyone has had a terrible few weeks/months recently.

There was a difference between knowing you have hurt someone and seeing it. Ben hadn't been able to get the look on Rey's face out of his head. It had already been a few days and she hadn't tried to approach him since that night. Poe and Finn had arrived back at the academy with others in tow and were greeted with the chilly atmosphere that had brewed between Ben and Rey.

Besides the two men, they were joined by a Wookie and a small dark-haired woman who had come to visit and that was enough to warrant celebration. It was that or Finn and Poe just didn't want to suffer through the awkwardness Ben and Rey and created. 

"It's Ben, right?"

Benn looked round to see the small dark-haired woman had approached him while he isolated himself from the group. "Uh..."

"Chewie said that's what your name is."

"Chewie?" The name sounded familiar but he didn't know if it was someone's nickname or not. Ben's gaze flickered around the small gathering and landed on the Wookie. He was already staring at him. The Wookie held the same look in his eyes that Rey often got around him. Some kind of longing like he was missed even though he was right there. Was this another person for him to disappoint?

"Oh stars, of course. I'm sorry. I forgot you don't have your memory. You see, you and I never met before... uh. I'm Rose." Rose held her hand out, a bright and kind smile on her face though there was something in her eyes. Worry? 

"Ben." He took her hand and shook it. "But you knew that."

"Why are you stood over here on your own? Everyone is gathered by the fire." Rose asked, her tone sweet and considerate. 

"I figured I'd not get in the way. I wouldn't want to prove to be even more of a disappointment than I already am." After he said it he realised he'd probably said a little too much to a woman he'd just met. "Sorry. Guess that one just needed to come out."

She smiled. "No need to apologise. We've all been there. Why do you think you're a disappointment?"

Ben looked down at her again wondering if he should really be burdening this young woman with all his insecurities. She had asked but did she really want to hear them? "I'm not who she wants me to be. Rey and I got into a fight a few days ago and I upset her. I didn't mean to but it's frustrating when I have to live up to someone I don't remember being."

There was a look on Rose's face like she knew more than she was able to tell but most people around him looked like that these days. "I think you just need to be the best man you can be and that'll be enough. Hiding away because you're afraid of disappointment won't help you in the long run. You're remembering little things, right? You need to lean into that. Even if you never fully remember at least you can say you tried.

Part of him wanted to argue that the best man he could be wasn't good enough but he also didn't know where those feelings were coming from. He only had fragments of memory. He knew little things. The only real memory he'd had was of Finn in stormtrooper armour. How he'd even known it was Finn was still a mystery. How could he say he couldn't be a good man if he didn't remember the man he was. Finn was a good man but he had been a Stormtrooper though something told Ben that had never been a choice. 

"Come on. No more brooding. Join us." Rose pulled him out of his internal monologue as she invited him to sit with the group. He was hesitant, still feeling like an outsider even after all the work both Rey and Finn had put into trying to make him feel like be belonged.

Even with some hesitation it only took a second beckoning for him to follow Rose over to the small gathering. 

Poe was in the middle of a story from his youth, regaling the exploits of a ten-year-old Poe Dameron to an enraptured Rey and Finn. Chewie's amusement rolled out of him and Ben watching him as he seemed to roll his eyes and shake his head.

Ben couldn't help but note how relaxed the whole scene was, even with him there. 

"And you know, at ten I was a little shit. Mom had been gone for two years at that point so I was acting out all the time. Anyway, he's visiting with the then-Senator Organa and has to bring me along. I'm bored as kriff and start wandering around and what do I find? The hanger. And sitting in the hanger? The Millenium Falcon."

The name of the ship hit Ben like a physical blow. He knew that ship. Suddenly he could see it in all its glory and for some reason, it hurt. He remembered the halls, the gally, his room. He remembered sitting on the lap of a man with brown hair and an easy smile as they pretended to fly together. Was that man his father? Before Ben could ask a new memory slipped into his mind triggered by Poe's storytelling. It was of a young boy with dark wavy hair and freckles across his tan cheeks. He wasn't supposed to be on the ship and yet there he was.

"And I'm thinking, I'm gonna fly this. I have to. How could I not? So I make my way to the cockpit. I'm in the pilot's seat and then suddenly I'm not. Han Solo is lifting me up out of the seat and I'm just-"

"That's not true."

Ben surprised himself by speaking up but he couldn't help it. He remembered that day. He remembered what really happened. It took him a second to realise everyone was looking at him. "That' not what happened." He reiterated.

Poe blinked at him, an odd look in his eyes. "Okay. And how did it actually go?" 

Ben look at Rey and caught her gaze. There it was, that look that had been missing the last few days. Hope. There was hope in her eyes again. "It was me," Ben answered, pulling his gaze from Rey's to land on Poe. "You weren't supposed to be there. My dad had left me on the ship to occupy myself while he and my mother attended to business. I was... drawing pictures and I heard footsteps. I thought maybe my parents were done early so I followed the noise and found you." Poe looked pale but Ben continued. "I panicked. No one was allowed on the Falcon without permission. I reached out and the next thing I knew you were floating up out of the seat. As soon as I realised it was me the ability slipped from my grasp and you fell. I didn't have the words for what happened so when you ran away I let you."

The group was so silent the crackle of the fire was almost deafening. The only one to not look at Poe for confirmation was Chewie whose eyes were firmly locked on Ben. 

"Is it true?" Rey's voice was quiet and hesitant. Ben's slow progress has already hurt her and this was a big deal.

"Yeah." Poe Confirmed. "We've been trying to avoid feeding him information so I changed the story. I didn't think he remembered the Falcon and it hasn't been here for him to see since Chewie and Rose were using it. I certainly didn't think he would remember something from when he was seven."

"Could you maybe not talk about me like I'm not sat here?" Ben interjected.

"And who exactly is sat here with us right now?" Poe countered with more aggression than anyone was expecting. "Who are you? You're not Ben Solo. You don't even know what that name means. You're nobody."

"Poe, stop," Rey said, trying to intervene. 

"You don't even know who your parents are. You're nothing."

Nothing. 

Nothing. 

"You're nothing."

He could see Rey, her eyes full of tears and cheeks wet. She looked heartbroken. His vision slipped back and forth between reality and memory. 

"Ben, please don't do this."

Nothing.

"You're nothing..."

"...But not to me."

It was the most intense wave of emotion Ben had ever felt. Anger, rage, grief, sorrow, relief, love, and heartache. Oh. He didn't remember getting up out of his seat but Ben found himself looking down at Poe who had stood his ground but there was the slightest look of fear in his eyes. Ben looked away as he felt a familiar presence. His shadow had decided to pay him another visit. The figure stood a small distance from the group, red saber illuminated, seeming to take pleasure in Ben's emotional turbulence. 

"My dad is Han Solo." He said with more certainty than anything he had remembered so far. 

"And your mother?" Poe asked, pushing one last time as if he was determined to have Ben break. 

"My mother..." He reached but her name wasn't there. Her face wasn't there. He remembered soft dark brown hair. He remembered braids. Dark eyes like his own. He was a force user like his mother before him. Her name was...

Her name...

His confidence and certainty from knowing his father slipped away and he felt lost. A gentle presence slipped into his mind as a hand reached out and took his. Ben looked down to see Rey step up to his side and he felt his whole body relax. The strange tether between them rippled pleasantly as he looked upon her with a new perspective and tried his hardest not to look at her with too much softness in his eyes. He remembered feeling something indescribable for Rey and suddenly Ben understood his strange fascination with her.

"That's enough." She didn't push him to talk about what he remembered though he could feel her curiosity. Why had he allowed himself to be so distant? Rey had only ever tried to help him but the connection they had scared him. How could he be so attached to someone he didn't remember knowing?

"Yeah, pretty sure interrogating Ben wasn't on the agenda." Finn pointed out as he practically dragged Poe to sit down next to him. "Chewie and Rose have new intel so let's keep the arguing reserved for later." 

News? Ben looked around. Was he suppose to be part of this conversation? The thought of leaving had barely entered his mind when Rey pulled him back down to sit with her. His heartrate picked up and his body felt warm. Something about her just holding his hand gave him joy like it was all he'd wanted.

"I wish I had good news or even no news." Rose started as she stood up to address the group. She pulled a holocube from her pocket and held it out. "After the battle fo Exegol we did what we could to round up the thousands of Sith Loyalists that survived the wreckages of the Final Order fleet. We believed for years that we had been successful. Turns out not completely." Rose activated the holocube and the image flickered to life playing a sigil of some kind. "We're now aware some escaped and plan to continue their work. Notices have been floating around the holonet that the heir to the throne of the Emperor will rise."

Rey scoffed and both Finn and Poe rolled their eyes making Ben wonder if this was one of the things she should have known. It was hard to pay attention to Rose or anyone as he had realised Rey was still holding his hand despite there being no necessary reason for it. Her hand was warm and calloused but fit easily and comfortably in his own.

"Yeah, our response too until we saw the holo for ourselves." Rose continued and the Holo shifted causing everyone to tense and freeze up, Ben included. 

Under the bold words "KYLO REN LIVES" was the image of his waking nightmare. The same hood, the same mask. This monster had a name. Ben looked up past the Holo to see if his shadow was still there. Sure enough there he was tall and still and emitting darkness. Was this a ghost? A hallucination? It occurred to Ben that he might be seeing Kylo Ren for a reason. Perhaps the truth of the matter was this was actually Ren he was seeing and they were connected through the force like he was with Rey. Could Rey see him too? She had never reacted to him but Kylo, when he appeared, seemed very aware of her. 

"How do they know he's alive?" Finn asked cautiously. 

"Apparently Palpatine had low-level force sensitives within his ranks. They can sense him." Rose answered which set the whole group on edge. "They can't track him as far as we know which is a blessing but they will be looking for him."

Whoever he was he must have been something awful to make the whole group tense. Once again Ben was aware of Rey's hand in his. She was holding onto him tightly as if he might slip away. Maybe this Kylo was how she had lost him in the first place. Ben pulled her hand over and enveloped it between both of his. Rey looked up at him, her eyes were curious and hopeful but wary. He had hurt her before but not being what she had hoped for. They shared a moment within that look, their minds gently brushing and his for the first time accepting hers. He watched the tension slip from her shoulders and her eyes filled with determination. Rey squeezed his hand before pulling away so she could stand. 

"Rose, Chewie. Keep tracking their movements. Tell me if anything comes up. Poe, time to call in allies. Zorii, Babu, Maz, Kaydel, Jannah. Anyone willing to long a hand. Ben, Finn..." She paused looking for a moment as if she was unsure of herself but it passed quickly. "Pack a bag. We're going to Dantooine."

Dantooine.

The word did something to him but his head was already aching from his earlier revelations so Ben didn't push.

"Dantooine? Why there?" Finn asked.

Another pause. 

"It's time you and Ben had your own lightsabers."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently instead of helping my creative juices flow, lockdown fucked me. 
> 
> This took three months to write, I am sorry.

Something had changed. There was a shift behind Bens eyes and he suddenly looked more like himself than he had the whole time since his return. Rey wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone else but Ben, as he was now, was closer to being the man who had died than ever before.

Trouble was, as Ben began to remember the threat of Kylo Ren was beginning to loom. Ben might not have remembered who he had been but the Galaxy did. Even then as they planned their next move there were Sith loyalists were searching for him. If they found him before he remembered enough then things could get ugly and fast.

Still, Rey had to prepare for the eventuality they would be forced into battle. Finn was far enough in his training to have a saber of his own and from what she could tell of Ben, his body remembered what his mind could not.

Is that was has happened? Did his remember a want to take her hand so badly that when she took hi he reacted? Was it more? The way he had looked at her made her wonder if he remembered their kiss. Did she want him to?

Maybe that was why she showed up at his room before they were due to leave.

The door was open so she rapped her knuckles against the doorframe to get his attention. How odd it was still to see him doing mundane things. The gentle morning light shone through the window catching the warmer tones of his hair. She had always been aware he was an attractive man but she'd never really had time to appreciate it as she had since his return.

"Are you okay?" Ben's rich, deep, voice interrupted Rey's daydreaming and she blushed at being caught.

"Yeah, sorry. I didn't really sleep last night. Guess I'm apprehensive about what's to come." It was somewhat the truth but mostly just to cover up what must have been obvious staring. "I figured we should talk about last night. The things you remembered. There was... a change in you?" She was a little nervous about bringing It up. Ben had resisted during most of his recovery so she didn't want to push him and see him retreat into himself.

Ben stopped packing to give her his full attention. "I remembered you," he replied, "Not enough to have a clear idea of our history but a memory. Clear as you are now. In that memory, I remember your presence in the force. Your presence here." He gently touched his temple.

She almost moved. Her whole body was eager to bound forward and embrace him but she stopped herself. One memory wasn't everything and she didn't know which memory of her it was.

"I told you that you meant something to me. You looked... tired, confused, conflicted. I don't know why. Maybe we were just figuring this connection out." Ben guessed and Rey didn't want to correct him. She brushed against his mind to see what he had remembered.

You're nothing... But not to me.

The throne room. Of course. She could see it through his eyes, feel the swell of something in his chest.

"Up until that moment I wasn't- I didn't know if I could trust this thing we share. It felt like too much pressure to be what you lost. That's why it was easier to talk to Finn. He seems to have no expectations of me," Ben explained. "Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to have a connection with someone who claims to know you in the most intimate way possible? To know your mind in detail. It was difficult to look at you and not assume I was a disappointment."

Of course she knew. She knew because Kylo had looked deep into her very soul and saw an equal there. He had connected with her loneliness, her feelings of abandonment. He understood the pressure of legacy and why in the end it meant nothing if you didn't want it. Kylo had laid her insecurities bare, of course it had been uncomfortable.

"How does it feel now? The bond. Has it changed?" Rey asked, moving into the room a little more.

"It feels... safe. Secure. Like a counterweight keeping me in place and preventing me from falling too far." His eyes held a little more softness when they looked at her now and Rey couldn't help but remember the wat he had looked at her on Exegol. That moment between them, the kiss. It was like they had finally found each other. She finally felt like her home was complete and as it should be and then he was gone before the taste of him could leave her lips.

"I should have been more sensitive to how you might feel. I remember how it felt for me in the beginning. Strange and unfamiliar. You embraced it instantly but I struggled being so connected to a man I barely knew." Rey gave him a weak smile. Guilt was starting to weigh on her. She had been focused on trying to get all of Ben back that she hadn't appreciated the man who was in front of her.

Hadn't that been what her dream had warned her about? The look in Bens eyes told her that perhaps he hadn't expected her to have struggled in the beginning. It made sense. Many people forget her humble origins. They know her only as Jedi now.

"Anyway." Rey cleared her throat. "I'm distracting you. I should let you pack."

"It's not a bad distraction." There was a hint of amusement in his voice and something else. Teasing? Is that something he did now? Ben was smiling at her in an easy way and it made her face heat up. Despite her want to go to him and kiss him like she had that day on Exegol she knew she couldn't assume his new attitude meant there was anything between them.

"Well, I'm glad you think so." She smiled and stepped back. "Now hurry up and finish before we leave you behind." Rey joked as she started to head off. His laughter followed her down the hall. There was still an ache in her chest. Her heart mourned for potential lost but it hurt less hearing him laugh. Her first time making him laugh. It was magical. Ben Solo as he should have been was more alive than ever before and that realisation set a grin to her lips as she raced her heart back to the Falcon.

* * *

"Alright, Falcon is prepped. Are you sure Chewie doesn't mind staying behind on this one?" Finn asked, looking up at Rey from his seat in the cockpit. 

She shook her head. "He's going to work with Rose and Poe on tracking down allies in case this becomes a full-scale fight. Besides, its time Ben saw the falcon and having Chewie on board might be a bit too much to handle. I'm hoping that since he remembers his father, at least in part, something might trigger. This ship was a huge part of Hans life. Maybe just being here will help." Rey leaned across the console to adjust some of the dials.

"Where is he anyway? We're due to leave soon. Didn't you say he was almost ready?" Finn questioned which made Rey realise how long it had been since she had left Bens room. 

"Maybe he got caught up in something. Let me check." Rey headed out of the cockpit and double-checked Ben wasn't in the Falcon before heading down the ramp. 

He was already there. 

"Ben?"

He was stood a few feet away, staring up at the ship with a mix of awe and pain on his face. "I remember this ship," he whispered, "this was my dad's ship." For a second Rey could see tears in his eyes but Ben blinked them away before they could fall. "Why do you-"

"Chewie gave it to me. To us. We use it as a group but... Well, it's yours if you want it." Rey had always felt like she was just taking care of the Falcon for someone else. Even though Chewie had said the Falcon was hers now, there were ghosts that haunted the darker parts of the ship reminding her of the lost potential of the Organa-Solo line. That potential had been restored though and Rey knew the Falcon was always meant to be his.

"I don't know if I'm ready," Ben admitted but Rey could understand. New memories were slotting into place providing relief but also maybe pain and confusion. Did he remember only the good or only the bad? Rey reached out her hand but stayed silent. She knew this all had to be Bens choice. If it wasn't then she was no better than those who had forced him down their chosen paths before. 

His hand was warm as it slipped into hers. Every time they touched Rey was reminded of Exegol. The way the Dyad had felt, his arms around her, his lips tasting of blood and sweat and something just... Ben. She wasn't sure who moved first but she found herself embracing him. Being stood higher on the ramp meant her head was almost level with his. As they embraced Ben tucked his face into her shoulder and Rey had to wonder if he finally felt that security and safety that she had felt when the Dyad was right. He'd mentioned how it felt earlier but this, this was proof. 

Rey closed her eyes, focusing on Ben for the moment. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling but it meant something that this time he had sought his comfort from her. There was an ache in her chest again. She couldn't imagine it was the same for him but learning who Ben Solo was at his core made that spark of affection she felt for him grow. She couldn't deny there was a physical attraction. Even then as she smoothed her hand over his hair to comfort him she was struck by the solid feel of his body against hers. 

As he pulled back their eyes locked. Rey wished he could remember the understanding they had shared. There was shared loneliness, a shared sense of forced duty, Rey found herself missing the soft voice Kylo would use for her. Was it wrong to miss the monster he had been? Why did she wish she could see the same certainty in his eyes as he'd had on Kef Bir. 

Someone cleared their throat and Rey looked round to see Finn watching them from the top of the ramp.

"We were just-" Rey started to explain but Finn lifted a hand to stop her. 

"You don't need to explain anything. When you guys are ready we're set to go." Finn gave them both a soft smile before stepping out of sight and heading back to the cockpit. She would have to remember to let Finn know how much she appreciated him. He truly was her best friend. 

Rey felt the drag of Bens hands against her body as he pulled away. There was no urgency to it, no shame on his face at being caught close to her. He even squeezed her hand before moving past her and onto the ship. It shouldn't have struck her as greatly as it did. Her skin tingled where they had touched. It left her breathless and almost dizzy. For just a moment she felt not like Rey Skywalker, the last Jedi, but just Rey a young woman. It was a humbling feeling that settled warmly in her chest and made her smile. 

Stepping into the cockpit was surreal. Finn was sat in the navigation seat instead of co-pilot like she had expected even though the seat was empty. Ben was sat in the pilot seat and it made her double-take. Sat there as he checked that everything was set to his liking he looked the double of Han. She shared a look with Finn but didn't speak up. She wasn't going to question it. She didn't dare ask him to move. He looked comfortable where he was, a small smile on his lips. Delight trickled through the bond and Rey realised Ben probably never had the chance to fly the Falcon before. 

Slipping into the co-pilot's seat she had a smile ready for him as he looked at her. 

"Ready?" He asked.

"Set navigational coordinates for Lothal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are somethings you'd like to see happen? Leave a Comment


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